Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
