i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
