No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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