I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
