I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
