I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
