I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
