Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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