Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
