So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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