I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
