i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
