Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize