I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
