so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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