I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
