Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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