You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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