I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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