I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
