Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
