Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
