how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
