I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
