The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize