my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i drank out of a bidet.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
