I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
