I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
