In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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