I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
