It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
