He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
