Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
