sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have aggressive nipples.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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