My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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