Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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