Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize