i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
