I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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