what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
