dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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