I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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