So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
