she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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