I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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