ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
