DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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