I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
