I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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