so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
