The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
