this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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