What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize