I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
