I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize