No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
