threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
