My room smells like vodka and shame
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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