I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
