someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
