I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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