Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
