I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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