Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
