just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
