don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
